Do you have a nagging inner voice that says you’re “not good enough,” lashing out critically whenever you make a mistake? If so, you’re not alone. When we fall short of our goals, we often sabotage ourselves with harsh self-criticism.

Most of us are kinder to the people around us than we are to ourselves. We give our friends kindness and support when they make a mistake but often blame ourselves when we’re in the same situation.

We treat ourselves this way because we’ve been sabotaged by competitive consumer values, internalized the critical voices of our parents, or grown up blaming ourselves for family patterns of alcoholism, neglect, or abuse. Haunted by a deep sense of unworthiness, we develop a pattern of harsh self-criticism that assaults us when we’re down, increasing our suffering and blocking our path to higher creativity.

University of Texas psychologist Kristin Neff, Ph.D., has found that we can stop this painful pattern with the power of self-compassion, a lesson drawn from thousands of years of Buddhist practice. As she explains in her new book, Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, this means to “accept ourselves with an open heart, to treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring, and compassion we would show to a good friend.” Neff, the leading researcher in the field, has inspired over a thousand scientific studies that show how self-compassion helps overcome anxiety and depression and leads to better psychological and physical health, including emotional intelligence, happiness, wisdom, curiosity, optimism, autonomy, competence, social connections, life satisfaction, resilience, initiative, and the ability to learn, grow, and overcome challenges—qualities that nurture our creativity.

Self-compassion involves three steps.

1. Mindfulness. The next time you’re feeling down, instead of blowing things out of proportion, ask yourself, “What is this?” “What am I feeling?” Name your feelings to yourself—“I feel sad, scared, hurt, angry, confused.”
2. Common humanity. As the Buddha taught, suffering is common to all humanity. Tell yourself, “It’s OK. No one’s perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.”
3. Kindness to yourself. Then actively soothe yourself with kind words, even giving yourself a hug, as Neff suggests in her book, by crossing your arms over your chest and squeezing your upper arms, saying, “Poor dear, you’re really hurting right now.”

You can build self-compassion with this loving-kindness meditation.

• Take a deep breath, close your eyes and visualize someone for whom you feel unconditional love—a loved one, a dear friend, even a beloved pet.
• Say, “May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be well. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be happy.”
• Cross your arms over your chest and breathe deeply into your heart, saying for yourself: “May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy.”
• Then send loving kindness to other people you know, ending with a blessing for all beings: “May all beings be filled with loving kindness. May all be well. May all be peaceful and at ease. May all be happy.”

You can find out more about self-compassion, including more self-compassion exercises in Kristin Neff’s book and on her web site, http://www.self-compassion.org.